Archive for May, 2007

The Light on the Hill, Part 16

The strange bud, Part 1

There was an old man who lived in a shelter deep in the woods. He was all alone. He hunted with his boomstick and cut the meat apart where it fell.

He had a rancid bag he'd carry the parts home in. Now, I recognize it was a child's backpack perhaps he'd found somewhere, the way I found these faded jeans to hide my hairy scrotum.

The bag was rank and stained with many trips. He'd wash it down in the river and great gobs of gore bled into the water. I would wait for him to do this when I was a child. Those tendrils of red spread into the ripples and I would try to catch them in my hands. I would drink the sweet juice until my belly was bloated.

I watched the strange old man, having traced his gift to its source. Often I'd creep onto his porch to discover the mystery. I would watch him while he sat making small lip movements like a chattering squirrel, staring at the thin leaves of some strange bud.

It lay flat on the table and sometimes he moved the leaves, always in one direction, as if he were a tiny puff of wind coming in fits and starts.

When he was not cooking, he was at this. When he was not just sleeping in a chair, he would do this. I could not understand the reason.

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The Light on the Hill, Part 15

The letters are keys that lock together into greater keys that form tumblers inside even greater mechanisms that fall into the form of the lock I am trying to open.

The writer fumble with his monocle and his tiny tools, to calibrate the mechanisms of his mind. Thus do I sit at my desk and compile this story that is half about me and half about some other halfling and on down the spiral of Zeno's paradox. To what end?

I bailed bigfoot out of jail this morning. He's been venturing into the city. There is so much to learn. He shoved money at a vendor at the farmer's market and grabbed a great ripe watermelon and ran off, pushing and shoving as he went.

Normally he passes well if he keeps his ears shaved. That's the giveaway. If you ever need to know if you're dealing with a bigfoot, look for the hairy ears.

I talked with him for a while tonight, befuddled as I was by words. We stayed up most of the night talking. He had many questions. Purchasing that melon, that thing, that mythical thing, mere legend among his kind. When the police arrested him, they had the courtesy to wait for him to finish.

He questioned all the rest: the humiliation of the transaction, shame mingled with greed, the tight knots of people so tolerant of each other. He was afraid someone might try to steal it.

The sugar rush after his feast convinced the police that he was drunk. In fact, he was likely making the most inhuman sounds as he gorged himself. It must have been comic.

So he spent the night in the drunk tank, sloshed on rinds. It was all perfectly innocent.

They let him out in the morning, into my custody, though they were perplexed by his lack of identification. I made a mental note to get him an ID card of some kind.

I'll teach him to sign his name with some consistency. He is eager to master this trick of mine: making the key to fit the lock.

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The Light on the Hill, Part 14

Anthropology, Part 5

Bigfoots tend to just let things happen. They have a great propensity for insight, but poor memories. They must rely on certain triggers to remember things. They have a kind of magic related to certain objects. They can 'read' them in the sense of how we would read a book. They study all the lines and contours and ferret from them the details of a story the object holds.

This period of reflection constitutes a sort of daily ritual. Time in the corner with the rocks and the sticks, sometimes imagining the millennia pilfering the air from a crystal, sometimes contemplating a bit of grass from between the teeth.

It is a useful evolutionary trait, probably born of many easy days idle in hidden forest vales. They are great observers and pick up more from us than we should likely be comfortable with. But not just us, from the birds, from the trees. We lack the words for such knowledge and it doesn't translate well to civilization.

We have agreements. The forest does not agree to anything. Things make do with their situation. If there are thieves, then things become less precious. If there are murders, well then death was inevitable.

But bigfoot is a little different than the forest. He is a sort of king, but not a regulator. He walks the deer trails, unchallenged, unopposed. The whole forest bows to him. He can beat the great trees till they moan, but not for mercy. He can play with the squirrels, but not for joy. All these formulations add up to something all the same.

I would say he is the forest's hero if I could narrow its definition to just those mysteries of will that govern expedience. He is a great problem solver as long as the ground is level.

Our hierarchies and inconsistencies are difficult for him to grasp. He often talks of this. He says it is like we are each our own species, without constancy. Fluid. We are the great lake lapping the shoreline of ourselves, devouring our own potentials. He compares us to termites. And yet as well to porcupines. And yet again, blue jays. And at last he throws up his hands. The forest lacks such creatures as we are.

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The Light on the Hill, Part 13

Future Perfect

The feast of sensation. The many curves and evidences. Everywhere is evidence of some action no more empowered, or less, than any other. All things dissolve into a stasis of motion. Shuffling, impermanent, heaped onto all the rest to form this world.

The great genesis of now tossed on the pile of all time. No important past. No more to the future than what the moment demands. Curves and lines and movement causing nothing, affecting nothing and yet birthing everything. Abstractions meet and make each other's acquaintance.

All magic is possible, if reins of potential can be grasped and held long enough to break bread with ambivalence. A child granted tantrums rages with all the heart to become.

There are edges everywhere, between the grains of sand muscled by wind and water, between the living soon to die and the dead forgetting life. There are the waves hardening dunes, the vast cup of sand holding back with the most forgivable obstructions. Everything is easy. Everything is violated by everything else. Everything forgives and rises again.

Orange men travel up the beach towards me. Men again. What of this? I feel my solitariness. I am alone. They carry their boomsticks and I have none. I should be a bird on the wind. I should bury myself in the dune’s thigh. I should drown in the water to hide my shame.

They walk the beach. They keep walking, growing larger. Their heavy boots won’t stop.

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Dominique-Jean Larrey

Inventor of MASH. Napoleon’s chief surgeon on the Egyptian campaign:

Dominique-Jean LarreyDominique-Jean Larrey

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The Light on the Hill, Part 12

Anthropology, Part 4

Men seem to him the greatest spirits of all. Man's dream of perfection is to be exactly what he is becoming, that is, having anticipated everything to the letter. No other creature cares so much for appearances. We want visions to purify the eye. What is ugly, corrupts. What is simple, gingerly singular in its intention, that is beauty.

In some ways, bigfoot is beautiful. In other ways he is the purest vision of ugliness. Insupportably hideous. He is disorganized to the extreme. He is constantly tripping over himself making new plans and spinning his wheels considering other possibilities. He is indecisive finally. His desire to learn is insatiable. He soaks into the ground like water. He is torn on a breeze like smoke. He is ragged and dirty always.

He can't help it I suppose. He was born into a world of simple interlocking systems, driven more by biology than morality. He didn't even have to consider survival so much, sitting at the top of the food chain in the deep forests. He was like the great whales of the ocean, who only need fear man.

He had hidden so long from man, one might say he'd been hiding from manhood. A flawed innocence. Cocksure certainty. And yet the call of civilization, the first glimmers of a broader organization, the first taste of processed food, combine to irresistible temptation. A real sense of what Adam endured when Eve brought the apple into view. Serpent or no, who could refuse?

This is only to say he was clever enough to get himself hanged. Clever enough to fall prey to everyone. Just smart enough to fail miserably. But dumb enough not to realize it, stupid enough to smile the whole way, ignorant, lacking the common sense to save himself.

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The Light on the Hill, Part 11

Inspiration

Everything I touched spat out its memories to me. I kept some. These few objects here on the table. Each is imbued with a story that is not really a story, just a flash, a moment dense with emotion.

I collected them to make them a part of a new life. If I was to be a man, then I must have memories of manhood to inform me. I needed sign posts, I needed answers. They are like a mythology within whose bounds the character of a man is inspired. I will be that man.

A round piece of metal. A handful of nails in a glass jar. A thick wire, that has carried much electricity. A broken ring. A marble. The words on thin wood. The little shapes and pictures that are the key to the signs. The sign that reads "No campfires." With the bear in the hat.

I have a great affinity for bears. They are always searching, good spirited hulks, scenting life where it leaps from the element, finding treasure on brutal raids. Victims of their bellies, cruel at times, afraid of nothing.

I also keep these fragments of bone and bark, a dead beetle. These are ancient things I can't forget no matter how I try.

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What it all means


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Gas men

There’s some confusion in the pipes.
Two men set to digging at the property line.
The brontosaurus back hoe arrives
so they dig down eight feet
by the side of the curb.
More men gather, bureaucrats from the state,

The inspector paints lines for water,
lines for the drain, like hieroglyphs
that will stand ten years
or less.

The pipes come clean of the clay and the sand
like ancient bones or ruins. Like digging up a nest of ants
to see all the workings of their lives.

The men scurry. The pressure is fine at the street.
That means digging a trench from the street to the house,
cutting diagonally across the lawn.

These men are used to standing together outside.
They gossip and smoke and tell jokes, waiting for something.
They wait a long while for it to appear.
They do nothing in the meantime, nap a bit,
talk about their wives, share some intimacies.

The gas guy arrives in his orange fire-proof suit,
helmet and gas mask. He climbs in the hole
to learn what he can from the T junction.

He calls his gas mask his headphones.
He calls to the top of the hole: hand me my headphones.

Men who coil air hoses with one smooth lariat motion.
Hose men. Men who swing heavy joints of metal into bags.
Men who drape rags on poles to hold up the line.
Men who hammer couplings against their thighs.
Experts at reading gauges, surrounded by compression.
They talk in big letters: Y, T, PSI.

Their ears are full of hisses,
low hums cut with shrill screeches.
Their truck is full of little doors,
little drawers full of grommits and joints.
Men reach in without looking.

The hose guy turns off the air compressor
and a whole world of tension collapses.
He scores and snaps new hose and starts to pick up tools.
L’s, Y’s, their snakes recoil.

The joint guy dismantles an old mechanism,
salvaging certain complicated assemblages of couplings
like words whose intents have proved untrue
though the letters still prove useful.
He pries and punches on his knee
as if overcome by the anxious arrival of grief.

The gas guy’s head appears above ground.
Orpheus returning for his lyre. He dons
surgical gloves over dirty fingers and crouches
with some delicate tool that finishes its job
in an instant.

He is a wizard now at his spells,
a necromancer down among the dead
touching the magic wand to erase all memory,
to restart time.

The brontosaurus awakes
and drags the mound of dirt over top
with little spasms and long tonguings
and a series of bashes and stomps.

The men look around themselves at last
for lost tools and some final details.
Perhaps they notice the street for the first time and,
without joining in its mysteries,
close drawers and doors and move on.

The Light on the Hill, Part 10

Christopher Columbus

He wanted to make money. He said he needed money so he could learn things. It was understandable. He was extremely clever. For a bigfoot, he was probably short and thin, but for a man it was hard to mask his monstrous qualities. But the hardest of scrutiny only saw a large homely man. Who could imagine an alternative? It wasn't long before he was asking questions about the nature of luck and the strange reasoning of prophets.

He had done it right I suppose. If you are going to toss yourself into a thing, you might as well go right for it. I felt privileged to have a purpose at last, something real, some genuine need for me beyond the page. It was foolish to think I could just go on and be a farm hand. At least I could be bigfoot's cohort and biographer. That was worth something. This is, I think.

I can sense his propensity for insight. It's as if he can only understand things in leaps and bounds, can only proceed into the world at a run. He thinks, I suspect, he is trying to catch up to us somehow. I envy him. What I wouldn't give to live in his world, fully integrated into the environment, the king of the forest. He has the character of his own gods like all great men, chest wide open to the world like a great sail, an explorer. He is the Christopher Columbus of bigfoots.

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